2010

Why can't I just admit failure??????????
When will I be able to stand back and say "OK, so I have bitten off more than I can chew!" 
Will the people that matter really stand back and say huh, so she is no better than us!  Why do I have this need to succeed and why do I have this inner need to protect this impression that other peope have of me.  Have I created this person that people see but who is all a fake?

Does it matter if I am on the verge of loosing my house, does it matter that they want to take back the car, does it matter that I just can't see how I am going to finance the money owing on the business, does it matter that the insurance lapsed and I am the only one that knows that I have no way of paying the R98 000 needed to fix the car, that the bank wants to take back anyway!  Does it matter that I have a water and lights account of R10 000 that if I don't pay today they are going to cut off tomorrow?  Does it matter that I carry all of this alone because I am too afraid to tell P, what about his heart!  What if he has a heart attack and then I don't even have him.  What if he finds all of this out and leaves me and I loose everything anyway!

Does it matter that I already know that I am going to do everything I can to help G, even if it means that I stand a bigger chance of loosing everything because instead of catching up I use all available funding to help her to have the best chance at walking and talking. 

I have been dreading this day for the last two weeks, now it is here I don't know what to deal with first and I know that there are just too many things for one day, I need too many miracles! 

I only need about 3 million, anyone out there with 3 million to throw away.......................................