2010

Why can't I just admit failure??????????
When will I be able to stand back and say "OK, so I have bitten off more than I can chew!" 
Will the people that matter really stand back and say huh, so she is no better than us!  Why do I have this need to succeed and why do I have this inner need to protect this impression that other peope have of me.  Have I created this person that people see but who is all a fake?

Does it matter if I am on the verge of loosing my house, does it matter that they want to take back the car, does it matter that I just can't see how I am going to finance the money owing on the business, does it matter that the insurance lapsed and I am the only one that knows that I have no way of paying the R98 000 needed to fix the car, that the bank wants to take back anyway!  Does it matter that I have a water and lights account of R10 000 that if I don't pay today they are going to cut off tomorrow?  Does it matter that I carry all of this alone because I am too afraid to tell P, what about his heart!  What if he has a heart attack and then I don't even have him.  What if he finds all of this out and leaves me and I loose everything anyway!

Does it matter that I already know that I am going to do everything I can to help G, even if it means that I stand a bigger chance of loosing everything because instead of catching up I use all available funding to help her to have the best chance at walking and talking. 

I have been dreading this day for the last two weeks, now it is here I don't know what to deal with first and I know that there are just too many things for one day, I need too many miracles! 

I only need about 3 million, anyone out there with 3 million to throw away.......................................

From short to long in 15 seconds and one massive puddle

So, just when I start to relax and think that 2009 is almost over and I managed to get through it without a nervous breakdown, this short week, the first of the last few for this year, I go and kill my car.  You know how when a child falls in a swiming pool and stops breathing for a minute or 10, then everyone holds their breath waiting for the answers as to whether there will be brain damage, that is how i feel, ok, maybe not quite so bad, but close, about my car!
On Monday there was a sudden but devastating storm, not the kind in a teacup, this one was too big for the teapot.  Now I am sure you have heard of the saying, "More haste, less speed", well that is exactly how it worked.  I was rushed as I had too much to do and too little time to do it, so instead of just waiting for the rain to stop and the water to drain I decided to drive through it.  We were about half way through the massive puddle when the water got sucked into the air system and my lovely 2 litre engine got filled with nice, smelly, dirty water.  It stopped dead!  In hindsight this is probably God's work becasue the prognosis on initial inspection was as bad as bad can be, new engine, in excess of R100 000.  But by vlose of day on Tuesday the engine decided to start in it's own special way and the dealer told me that it doesn't look as bad after all.  Now today they will look further and reassess.  Please pray like you never prayed before!

Did my Christmas shopping yesterday, only took 12 hours.  Then I sat wrapping the stuff until after 1 in the morning.  But the main job is done.  My worst shop was Toys r us, took about 3 hours and eventually we sat on an island in the middle of the shop just to catch a breath and think straight again.  Thank go d that is over.

Then P couldn't understand why we have to put all the pressies away, thay are wrapped now so what is the problem.  Can you picture the maid for the next 8 days trying to stop, A, cousin K and T from opening all the pressies.  Doesn't bare thinking about.  And imagine if we have to do all that shopping again.  It was difficult enough with a small budjet, with a nil budget it is impossible.

Only one more day till weekend, at least there are some blessings in life...................................

First short week

Hey, hey this weeks got two Mondays, but the best is it has two Fridays as well!  How thrilling can that be.  Plus I have a christmas dinner tomorrow and a christmas lunch on the real Friday.
Feeling much better this week.  I've been back at work for two weeks now!  And the best news of all is that I managed to get the UIF stuff in order, send and delivered to the fantastic lady who handles everything for you.  The funny side of the story is that I just couldn't work it all out in my usual confused way of organising so eventually I just got really organised, each form was marked with coloured post its and in order of who must sign what.  The woman in the bank commented on how cool it was for someone to arrive with such organised forms and not have to look for anything.  I just smiled, this was a first for me too, ha, ha.  But it did feel good for once.  I will try to remember that experience everytime I am too lazy to get organised.

So we skipped Wednesday, lets go straight to depressive donerdag

I'm feeling down today, got my tax refund, paid some arrear accounts and now it's all gone.  Just realised it is 15 days to Christmas!  Got no christmas presents and don't know where to start with that one.  Actually it is just too difficult just to get my head around the whole idea of it.  I will look at waiting until the 18th when Decembers pay comes in.
What about the UIF for maternity leave, another problem!  Got 6 months to submit your claim, that is 8 days from now!  It is just such a stupid process and they are just so annoying!  Anyway, I will do my best to get it together!  Just spent 20 minutes looking for the womans detail that does it all for you but can't find it, first excuse!  The pain is that we all know they are not going to pay me even 40% of my salary but my work deducts 45% and then when I show what the UIF pays me then I can claim the remainder up to 45% back from the company.  So I have to do it!
I still hate working in this place and I am just plain fed-up today.
Maybe feel better tomorrow.

Turbulent Tuesday

Ok, so after the Monday from hell, I find myself in Tuesday!  Last night the domestic worker from the shop, who lives at my place during the week, claims she was hit by a Tsotsi.  I think it may have been the boyfriend, but anyway, she told the nanny this morning that she has had a heart attack! Last night I took her to the hospital to get checked out, they gave her pain killers and today she is taking the report back to the police station.  All it says is the patient was assaulted.  The shop seems to have made it through the day without it's "manager"  and the "owner" managed to do something about the cash-up, although it was out by R150!  The people in the shop have got that , "no problem, we will muck in and sort everything out"  which is great but there are some who clearly think they should just take over and lead the rest.  I think I am still going to have a lot of work on my hands fighting fires when they all realise what is going to happen and who is really going to be in charge.  Watch this space!  I can't wait to see what today throws at me from that direction.

On the work front, I finally got my customer allocation, not perfect but I am not too unhappy.  Quite looking forward to it actually.  I am sure I will get over that in a few minutes.  Still got some far customers such as Zeerust, Brits and Bloemfontein.  Madness really, I understand why we allocate customers by industry but does it make sense to go all the way to Bloem, to see one B or C class customer????  Especially when we have other customers in that area.  Who am I to question the decisions of the higher powers????

Kids are OK, Abbey is having more regular croup attacks and Gabriella's arching seemed a little better last night.  Can't help thinking that she is at the age where they start arching anyway and that may have something to do with it.  One day at a time with that one.

For the rest, i am changing my tactic from one day at a time, to one hour at a time, lets hope it doesn't move to minutes or seconds.

Funny how writing all this stuff down makes you feel a little relieved.  Until tomorrow, or an hours time.............

Blue Monday

What a great Monday it is!

Abbey refused to get dressed, even after saying good morning to the "bamboo" spoon, (not as hard as the wooden spoon) and a wrestling match with two grown ups.  Anyway we eventually got it together and all was well.  Traffic wasn't so bad, but got to the office with a friendly call from the shop telling me the manager decided to have a nervous breakdown yesterday.  That must be something to do with me being a terrible boss.  I am sure that must be the problem.  Or is it something else, I wonder.  I suppose the rest of her notice period will be sick leave then.

Anyway, my friend seems to be coping so far with managing the shop and i am just at the end of the phone.  Mum has got to the physio safely with the precious package and they have told me that the excessive back arching and extending that Gabby did over the weekend could be due to feeling ill or getting those dreaded teeth.  Hope it's teeth and not coming down with something. 

So this is what it will be like having a full time job, a business and two small children.  Looking good, but I think I need a bit more rescue remedy and some Cal C Vita.  I am waiting patiently for my list of customers that I must service going forward.  Getting a new list since I have been on Maternity leave for 6 months and my A and A+ customers have been serviced by my collegues.  I am supposed to be upset about this but for some reason I like the idea of the B and C clients.  Not quite sure why.  Anyway been waiting for the list since Thursday and I can't work until I get it.  That means I am stuck in this office until she gives it to me.  I have asked twice and e-mailed, do you think I will ever get it?  Or am I destined to stay in this office, playing on the internet forever. 

It seems this day is getting bluer by the minute,  Here's to tomorrow!

Ok, here goes my first Blog!

It seems that if I don't have something to obsess about, I will go insane. Or so someone bigger than me has decided. I was worried about what I was going to fill my mind, my heart, my google search block with after I was finished with TTC. But not to worry now I have an even bigger subject that is never going to go away and that is Cerebral Palsy.

Definition : Cerebral Palsy can be defined as a "persitant (but not unchanging) disorder of movement and posture, as the result of one or more non-progressive abnormalities in the brain, before it's growth and development are complete. Other clinical signs may be present as well."

Type of Cerebral Palsy: Athetoid or dyskinetic
caused by the impairment of the basal ganglia area of the brain, it is caracterised by involuntary and uncontrollable muscle tone fluctuations, sometimes involving the whole body. The muscles alternate between being floppy and tense and there will often be difficulty in maintaining posture. The person usually has full range of movement in their joints, but not the stability or co-ordination to control their movements.

Unwanted movements may be small, rapid, irregularly repetitive, random, and jerky, sometimes refered to as choreic movements. The unwanted movements may also be of a long slow, writhing nature. Someone with athetosis will often appear restless and constantly moving, only being still when fully relaxed and sometimes only when asleep.

The movements will often become worse when the person is excited or is attempting to do something.

Speech is nearly always affected to some degree, because of difficulty in controlling the tongue, breathing and vocal chords. Similarly there may be difficulties with eating and, the person may drool.

So where are we now?

Well we have three independant opinions that this is the diagnosis. Can't really argue with that now can we.
So far we are working hard with physio and working towards stopping the "bad" patterns before they start.
And in another 6 months we are going to start all of the testing, just to confirm we are working with the correct diagnosis.

So here's to the rollercoaster ride and our admission to this elite group of parents who are classified by society as special enough to experience angels on earth. I am going to dedicate this blog to my daughter and all of the parents who have and will still find themselves where I am today!